Mind Over Matter

I have this thing with encouragement. I don’t like it. In bootcamp when someone was yelling at me as a motivational tactic, nothing would change. I didn’t run faster. I didn’t suddenly find more stamina to knock out more push-ups or eight-count bodybuilders. If anything, it pissed me off.

The same goes in the gym now, 15 (yes, 15) years later. When my friend/trainer encourages me, it makes me want to walk straight to my car and head to the nearest Chipotle, E coli and all. I stress eat. It is a medical condition. Or it should be.

Here are some of the things she says and some of the things I think when she says them:

She says, “C’mon, Stef. You only have two more rounds.”

I think, “You have three rounds total. You’re almost dying and you’re only one-third of the way through.”

She says, “You got this.”

I think, “Do I really, though? If I have it, I don’t know where the hell it is. I probably left it at home. I should go look for it.”

She says, “Today we are doing the Manmaker Workout.”

I think, “Had she told me this an hour ago, I would have had debilitating diarrhea.”

Twenty minutes into the Manmaker Workout, she says, “Only 23 more manmakers, Stef.”

I think, “Does Satan speak to pastor’s wives? No way this came from Jesus.”

She says, “Today we are lifting heavy.”

I think, “Today will be the worst day of your life.”

She says, “Just think about how great your legs will look this summer.”

I think, “If it hurts this much to make them look good, I don’t want them. She can have my legs. It would be less painful to rip them off and leave them here than it would for me to do 10 more squats with this stupid bar on my back.”

She says, “I need you to go run for warm up.”

I think (and often times say), “Nope. I pay you, which makes me your boss. So, no running. If I run, you’re fired.”

She says, “Row 400m.”

I say, “Yes, but only because I am pretending that Ryan Gosling and I are feeding swans on the lake by his house that he rebuilt in hopes of getting me back. I’m not rowing just because you told me to.”



**Love you, Danielle. But not in the gym.**

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