I have been tossing around the idea of starting a Not Quite Complaining Facebook page, but I worry it will drain my soul. I will stalk and lose hours of my day. My kids would have no one in their lives reminding them to bathe. It would be disturbing for the entire family unit. So for now, I will stick with this.
I want to see a celebrity version of The Price Is Right. Gwyneth Paltrow guessing how much Charmin toilet paper costs would be phenomenal. No way she uses toilet paper sold at Walmart.
Sometimes I forget that grapefruits exist. As well as pineapples and watermelons. Then someone says, “Hey, pineapples are on sale at Aldi,” and I think Oh yeah. That is a fruit.
You know it’s gonna be a bad week when it is Tuesday and you already wanna stick your head in the oven.
I once saw a man riding a motorcycle with a Tupperware full of deviled eggs strapped to the back. I wanted to be his friend. Mainly so I could eat some deviled eggs.
Admitting to MyFitnessPal that I ate potato chips is probably what a murderer feels like when he confesses to the cops.
You know what would be a good idea? Buying almost a hundred dollars’ worth of produce that I let sit and grow mold because I am too lazy to prep it and eat it when I can just eat a package of Hello Kitty fruit snacks, and they taste way better than red peppers and hummus.
I used to make fun of those parents who always managed to look cute while their children look as if they may have slept in a dumpster. I get it now, though. I get it.
“That kid doesn’t get an iPad for 23 days because she tried to eat her brother’s hand. He then hit her with a Lego whip. I’m uncertain why Legos even have whips. No one has eaten an actual meal today; just a series of random snacks. None of which were organic or made of vegetables. No one is clean. I did try to wipe one of them down with a Clorox wipe, but she caught on to me and then drew tattoos all over her body. There is some wet laundry in the washer from Tuesday. At some point during the day, a fly managed to sneak into our home. I have tried to murder it on several occasions. It is smarter than most flies. I’m convinced that it is actually Jeff Goldblum due to his superior intelligence and abnormal body weight. Oh and I haven’t started dinner, nor do I even have a dinner plan. There is a bag of broccoli in the freezer you can help yourself to. I will be in the shower until the kids are in bed.”
-Me, every day when my husband gets home from work.