#fbf

 

#fbf or Facebook Friday. I deleted my Facebook account a while back and I have been missing it deeply. This is my replacement; a collection of my random thoughts thunked throughout my week. They aren’t ground-breaking, but they made me chuckle.

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching buy-the-good-deodorant season.

My daughter is currently watching The Gospel of John on Netflix. My husband and I couldn’t make it through the first nine minutes. I’m not sure what that says about us.

My mother-in-law takes my daughter once a week. They hang out, and I get a “day off.” Only, I have no idea what to do with my day off. I basically just eat all day. I am a sad person.

My husband keeps dropping weight. It must be nice to be able to eat the entire pantry and lose two pounds. Meanwhile, I look at a Taco Bell and I bloat up. Rude.

I have quoted Jurassic Park roughly seven times today.

Having adult conversations is really hard. Which is why I just stress-ate a fat piece of three-layer strawberry cake while I was arguing on the phone with my eye doctor’s office. I can’t figure out if I should call them back and apologize for talking with my mouth full, or if I should call them back and tell them they suck again so they can hear me better.

Softball season is hard for me. My ex once cheated on me at his softball game. Now I imagine the softball field as a straight-up strip club. But when I go to my husband’s games all the strippers hide. Or I am an insecure person with a big imagination. Whatever. Both seem plausible.

My mansion in Heaven will be made of Jimmy John’s sandwiches. I will also have a queso filled pool. All are welcome.

 

Kingsley Convo:

Kk: Dad lets us do whatever we want in his car.

Me: Oh yeah? Like what?

Kk: He lets us pick our boogers in his car.

Me: You get to do whatever you want and you choose to pick your nose. Astonishing.

 

Another Kk Convo:

Kk: I have a crush on ****.  (I can’t tell you who it is because that is rude.)

Me: No you do not. You don’t even know what a crush is.

Kk: It means I like him. I like his freckles. I like his eyes. I like his yellow hair. He is just so cute.

Me: *huffing noises that exude disappointment and shock*

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