#fbf

 

I am aware that I forgot to post #fbf last week. I was exhausted from talking about porn. Forgive me. As a result, this week’s Facebook Friday will be a tad bit longer.

My daughter: I don’t like it when Dad is home.

Me: Why?

My daughter: He ruins my style.

Had to explain a hemorrhoid to my son. I figure the sex talk can’t be more difficult than that.

Sometimes I really wish I were BFFs with Shaquille O’Neal so I could sit on his shoulders at concerts.

Aldi anxiety is a real thing. I almost throw up trying to figure out how many bags I need.

My poor kids. I took iPads away. They have resorted to playing with Q-tips for entertainment.

I always put a cheese stick in my daughter’s lunch box. She never eats them. She comes home and says, “Mom! Stop putting cheese sticks in my lunch! You know I don’t like them.” I reply with, “I know, but the cheese stick isn’t for you. It is in your lunch so your teachers see that I try to feed you healthy food. I need them to know I am a well-rounded parent.”

If I locked my kids in separate closets, would they stop fighting? Or would they scream at each other through the walls? I’ll let ya know.

I’m convinced there is no lady-like way to eat an orange. I’m like a coyote picking meat off a carcass when I eat those things. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

I allowed my daughter to buy a baby dress-up game. Basically, I want her to see how cool and trendy it is to have kids, because you can match their clothes to yours and stuff…

“Why is this spatula in your Barbie Mansion?”

-things you say when you have kids

“Can I get one of everything on the left side of the menu?”

-me, if I would have gone to Panda Express today

 

Do you have to be a mom to know how to change the roll of toilet paper?

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