Facebook Friday, y’all!
I lived in Texas for only four years, but I can say “y’all” because this is America. For those who don’t know, today is the day I post all of the things I wanted to say on Facebook. I no longer have a Facebook account (I have a million reasons), so throughout the week I jot them down, and on Fridays I present them all in one shot. One long list of Facebook statuses that makes absolutely no sense. Enjoy, friends.
Do you think redheads give each other the nod? I like to imagine that they are in some secret club, like the people who drive Jeeps and wave at each other on the road. I have tried to wave to other Impalas or other people with glasses, but it never goes as planned. The Redhead Club sounds appealing to me.
Eating tacos with my boo on Valentine’s Day. There is a dude is up in here with a white v-neck sweater on. If he keeps it clean for the entire meal, I will give him a standing ovation.
I paid a kid $10 to shovel my driveway. Then I gave him another $10 to hand me my mail. Desperate times.
My daughter just laughed so hard she shot juice out of her nose. I have seen her fall off a bar stool and cry less than this.
Today at the ophthalmologist:
Doctor: Your son can see pretty well, but not perfectly. He could probably see better with glasses. They aren’t necessary, but they could help. I’m not saying he should get glasses. He would be fine without them, but here is a prescription and two places I recommend buying them.
Me, in my mind: What in the world is happening and why did I just give this pothead $40?
There is never enough lunch. I’m a glutton. Pray for me.
We had to buy my son a pair of glasses. Naturally, he needed a case to keep them safe. Out of the entire stock of cases, my son picked out a snakeskin-covered eyeglass case. Snakeskin. He is not a New Jersey housewife. I bought it anyway. You’re only eight once.
I have concluded that my thirties will be the era of heartburn. BBQ sauce just graciously gave me some.
Sometimes, you just have to make your kid watch Netflix so you can nap for 20 minutes.
At least once a week I start to think I have a tape worm.
I just spent way too long looking at celebrity engagement rings. This is why I haven’t mopped in weeks.